Aug 5, 2016
we've had close to 7 years together, though the time that passed have only blossomed a fear in me. fear that the longer this drags on, the more I'd be forced into committing myself to you. that i'll have no way out and be made to settle with you for the rest of my life. i believe i have been itching to end this since year 3 (or was it 4?) but i have held on out of convenience and my unwillingness to start a confrontation with you. we have never had a breakup (you really stick to me like UHU wtf) and on the rare occasion where there was an opportunity for me to end it - i chickened out because i felt i could not face the repercussions.
what was i afraid of then that i finally shelved aside today?
- i, being selfish, tolerated you only because i knew you loved me more
- i, being selfish, was afraid of being alone
- i, being selfish, felt it was inconvenient to start dividing our possessions and for one of us to have to pack up and find new accommodation
- i, being selfish, wondered if i will have any friends left after we ended this
- i, being selfish, did not want to ask you to leave before you paid up your debts lol
what circumstances brought out the courage in me to end it today?
- i, being realistic (and in some ways selfish), am more than eager to release you so that you may find someone you truly love and who could love you back... and i'm not ashamed to admit that this will also leave me free to find someone whom i could truly love and hopefully also love me back
- i, being independent (and a loner most of the time), is always comfortable going solo, with no insecurity of being labelled "single" (i'm really looking forward to this new phase of my life!) and face it - i really don't see the point of getting married anyway
- i, being opportunistic, saw you being posted for work overseas as a good time to end this since you had your own place over there. you really only need to stop by once in a while to organize your stuff to be shipped home
- i, being a fair-weathered friend, recognized that i've stopped identifying with many of my peers as their conversation topics revolve around houses and babies (so it's really no biggie for me if i don't get to hang out with them)
- i, being calculative, think that yes, you have returned all that you have loaned from me BUT on a kinder note, you are also in a comfortable position at work/with your finances for me to lay this huge blow on you
but let's face it. i would never have been able to come to this conclusion were it not for YOU (yes, YOU who's reading this). YOU have awoken in me the desire to experience firsts (that butterfly feeling is bloody distracting but is also what i've been searching for to break the monotony in life; it truly beats even the most adventurous backpacking experience that i could ever have). YOU stirred in me memories of what it felt like to look forward to a love note or an accidental touch - something that will definitely be lacking in a relationship 7 years deep. and finally, YOU also made me realize what i really wanted in a guy (if i ever had to make him a lifelong partner) - that he has to be someone i truly respect, whom i communicate well with and it's best if he's someone i have known for a while because having that as a backbone allows me to trust him so much more.
as an aside, i'm truly sorry that i'm not ready to write about YOU - i'm trying hard to keep the floodgates up so that i don't spiral into depression when i come to terms with the events of the past 3 months. ugh, all these have been a test of my strength but i'm glad to say i'm not overreacting the way 22-year-old me would have. yet, since YOU claim YOU are there for me, do stop me if i start indicating interest in signing up for church, alright? :)
Posted at 09:27 pm by underAveil
Dec 30, 2011
To be complimented by a race I find pretty superior to mine (in terms of looks)
Posted at 09:40 am by underAveil
Mar 24, 2010
i can't believe how you can look at me so intently. i have always thought that i was ugly and not worth a second glance. somehow, you chase those negative thoughts aside when you gaze at me and laugh at my every word.
i love you for it.
Posted at 07:36 am by underAveil
Mar 10, 2010
i told my bestie to be wary of things when they seem too good to be true.
YOU are too good to be true but I love it and I feel secure knowing that I'm yours and that you are mine.
The smiles you put on my face-they're priceless. I love your dry wit and the way you make me go wow in amazement as you tell me something new about yourself.
i'm smitten. indeed i am
Posted at 06:22 am by underAveil
Feb 26, 2010
i have to believe that each touch, each caress, each loving glance you sweep my way is not for the moment; that you do indeed have love for me bursting out from deep within you; why the change? you suddenly hug me like you haven't seen me for a year, keep pulling me to you like i'm about to let you go.
no i'm not complaining.
it's just that... i'm too scared to think of what would happen to me if i believed that you're really mine, all mine, when you are, in fact, not. i do not seem obsessive and jealous now but trust that my love for you is so fierce that i would really break apart if you ever leave me.
Posted at 09:59 am by underAveil
Feb 11, 2010
look forward to seeing you every weekend; come by on Friday nights knowing that I have to leave you early the next day (just like a ONS)
love your wit, your unpredictable moods, your attention and your care for me, the way you jokingly piss me off to pull me into a tight hug and to ruffle my hair and to breathe me in
get chills just looking at you. How you can be so tall, so muscular, so... HOT
love telling people stories about you; how you can treat me to a weekend filled with unfulfilled childhood wishes (in the form of Lego), and how you love me. I know you do.
am thankful you do not put me down. No pressures for sex, no comments that I'm ugly (yes, you still call me fat but I have finally understood it to be you joking around), constant affirmation that I look pretty and that I'm your trophy (even without makeup-god, I love you for it)
feel awed by how you're so considerate. You shave, make sure you're clean before even asking me to open my mouth, and do not even demand for me to swallow you down.
am finally complete in my knowledge of you (the more pressing matter e.g. why you left your gf/why she left you) and i have no more doubt. i trust you whole.
see myself with you. not just for the next year, but for the next 10, 50, 100. I LOVE YOU.
Posted at 03:39 am by underAveil
Oct 22, 2009
you make me happy and i look forward to seeing you or hearing from you
don't think it's puppy love to me anymore
sure, there's the puffed-up feeling i get when telling people, Hey! i'm not single anymore!
but overall, it's all about meeting you, and feeling wanted by you.
Posted at 06:02 am by underAveil
Oct 18, 2009
one weekend and three hickeys later...
seriously, what are we?
Posted at 05:50 am by underAveil
Oct 15, 2009
tomorrow will be interesting.
Posted at 05:41 am by underAveil
Oct 10, 2009
maybe i deserve to be your rebound
i have sought solace in someone else during my depressed period
i suppose i shouldn't question why you can't do the same
you have been very attentive, caring, and i love talking to you
thankfully i have been quite numb and i have not been letting my emotions through; that's how i have been surviving disappointments that you are still not over her
Posted at 10:47 am by underAveil
This is hopefully my ticket to being heard and understood by the masses