you told me about a lady who stalked you, and who seemed to need some attention and flirting.

maybe i'm causing you to run away by being so nonchalant about cheating, adultery.

i just stumbled upon your blog. it's well-written and emotional, and now i think i sort of understand the loss that you have endured throughout these years. it broke my heart to realize that no matter how much i think of myself as the one to mend you, that i will eventually fail in it. looks like you have most of your heart anchored to a previous love and that you may not be ready to set sail.

and though i know there is no grand solution to you, i'm scheming, devising ways to get through to your heart. alright, it seems like it's not working. you don't seem to care that much.

should i give up? ok i suppose with all things, only time will tell.

look at the date: 11/07/2009

i have known you for maybe half a year now. and if you said you have always wanted to get to know me since day one, and that you liked me somewhat, why are we still here?

contradiction number 1: i don't want to get into a relationship because the other side of me will surface. it took me a damn long time to get to where i am today-independent, happy, unfazed by the couples all around me. i am comfortable not having to answer to anyone, am free to do what i want to do. yet i want to hear you ask me to be your gf. why? i guess it shows that i won in this game of chasing you.

i finally realized another bad thing about you: you're fucking unreliable. you make plans and don't follow through with them. you seem to be waiting around for the next best thing to happen-am i not enough? guess not, since you can't even be bothered to secure me as a gf (refer to contradiction number 1).

contradiction number 2: i don't need you to run to me, spend all your time with me as i don't want to fall back into the routine of doing the same like what i did for my ex bf. but of course, i need a modicum of reliability from your side!!! i need to know i can count on you for certain things, and not be your last resort.

i don't think i should even bother with you. but damn your hand feels really good to hold. hm and of course i want to see victory by getting you.

recently, i have been getting praises that i have an interesting aura about me, i am very sociable and that i have a way of making guys like me... and i have you guys to thank for that:

T, I admire you for your sexiness. i admire you for not giving a shit about what others think  of you and that your opinions (though sometimes bordering on the morally wrong) are as valuable as that of others who are morally right.

V, I admire you for the way you can mix with guys. i like how you pretend to be pissed with your geez-*sniff*-pealing laughter.

F, I admire you for your social skills. i like how you mix people from all walks of life together and how you can truly party like a rock star. i like how you can hang out with all guys yet not fall in love with them; they fall in love with you.

C, I admire you for the way you humble yourself to be bimbotic yet sometimes shock people with your keen observations. i like how this silliness of yours allows you to be more endearing to the male population.

Let me know if i'm plagiarizing off you guys too much. that being said, i truly feel like an imposter, i do.

yup you were apparently intrigued by me since day 1

and that you have always wanted to get to know me better

though you were not the kind who would follow up on dates or messages

nevertheless you began to miss hearing from me after a while

add to that you think i'm very attractive

see. i told you i was not being self-conscious.

would you believe me if i told u i had you (and your condition) clogging up my mind since monday?

i have been stewing in a grey cloud and been in a distracted state since finding out you were not OK. can't help but stalk you on twitter; it worried me more and more as the days kept creeping up since you last logged on

then when i finally heard from you... relief swept me up and buoyed me so high!

of course, i was sent tumbling down when you told me you were not coming with me on sunday (sure your parents were here, but most importantly, a twitter meetup was occuring then)...

...and my happy bubble got burst :(

OK perhaps you're hanging out with me because I'm cool, am able to participate in most of the things you like to do... but we're no more than friends who can hang out together

which is... disappointing in a way? here i am, announcing to the world that we *may* be an item one day... *may* being a very subjective word now, it seems

what was i to do, but to overthink when you mentioned something about an open relationship, and what i would expect out of both you and i? was that just a general question that got thrown out into the open and that shouldn't have been diced up,  and left to marinate days, weeks after?

truth be told, i'm in this for the attention. i do think you're a pretty nice guy and it would be cool to tie you down with me for a few years (contrary to what people may think of me-as someone who wants to play the field; i know i know) but because you don't really seem to be showering me with attention when we're not together, i know for sure that you don't see it as a romantic thing. a casual fling, friends with benefit, yes definitely, but a couple, commitment-i know you're not ready for that

look at you and your boyishness when it comes to boardgames, videogames etc. look at you flirting on facebook, twitter, perhaps even on msn and text messages. so is the special attention i get from you when we're out together just a projection of all those things that you do to other girls? if so, i cannot continue believing that i'm special, i really cannot.

being special does not mean being ignored for days on end, only being prodded with a question out of the blue: do you want to go to redang? and for you to tell me, i don't think i want to go because i have already been there. ok it seems like you're in this, in everything, for the experience. not that i'm condemning you, but god, are you one selfish bastard. and perhaps, i, as a fool, am the one who is willing to join you for the ride?

this leaves us the question: should i even bother with you? i suppose this...this, situation, fits my criteria quite well (though i have second thoughts most times) about finding a guy who's hard to get+is not into a serious relationship. then again, am i even bordering on a non-serious one? how much value should be tagged onto the times you spend with me?

or should i sit back, enjoy the experience and freedom, while it lasts (or perhaps i'm doomed forever)? in fact, is this just the get-to-know-you phase, or is this your modus operandi since forever? it sure as hell is doing good things for me, that i have to admit, albeit grudgingly. i am still holding on to some modicum of independence, while being able to find a date in you whenever dependence on someone comes knocking on my door.

it's nice to know the acquaintance is going somewhere. it thrills me to know a guy is hot on the chase and will reach his target soon. it's good to be able to feel wanted, singled-out, loved. for now, i don't know whether you're even running the same race, don't really think you care enough to finish the laps and i think you have enough things to keep you occupied.

should i ask? we seem to be very honest with each other in our prevous conversations. should i even confess that i may have a slight twinge of "like" within me for you? and is it ok if i want to talk about this because i want to tangle you up in my snare?

i think we have both established the fact that we liked each other, but no plans have been made to get together officially.. in fact, you were putting out a feeler about going into an open relationship-to which i objected quite, well, vehemently.

at least i know i wasn't overthinking the past few weeks; relief, in the form of saving myself from embarrassment-to be able to tell friends whom i have harped on about you, that yes, there IS something. what, i don't know

amazing how i can announce to people who care to ask if i have a bf/crush... about you

amazing how i think this is truly a platonic relationship no matter how much time we may have spent together

you don't call/text randomly in a romantic sense; how can i have jumped to this conclusion?

i'm fucking sad. there, i said it.